Advocates for a Reactionary Society (ARSE) are lobbying Congress to make the eleventh hour of December 31st a celebration for those who prefer the old year.

A monkey is an instrument that monks carry to unlock things.

I was always known as a one-Karat stud.

Voltage in the United States is different from that of Europe, because it was established in the US for executions by electric chair.

The motto of the United States of America should be: Life, liberty, and the monomaniacal pursuit of unlimited wealth at the expense of everyone else.

After an exhaustive search for the person who destroyed countless boxes of shredded wheat, Cocoa Puffs, Rice Krispies, Wheaties, Cheerios, and other boxed grains
in a southern California supermarket, police finally arrested a notorious cereal killer.

A viola is a violin with a pituitary problem.

When young, I was so preoccupied with sex I could count to ten only as far as my dick.

I used to think I was advanced for my age; now I know I'm simply at an advanced age.

You know you are unpopular when others hold a party in your honor, but you weren't invited.

He's so unpopular the only event he ever gets invited to is jury duty.

Everyone is as good as everyone else, and most are even worse.

Share your things, because it's good for others, makes you feel better, and gets rid of a lot of junk you don't want.

Harness the hot air people exhaust, and we will have enough energy to last a thousand years.

When petroleum disappears, we can always use human blubber.

We are all individuals--just like everyone else.

News Flashes
Politicians, pundits, and lobbyists in Washington DC have replaced the handshake with the asskiss.

A group of pacificist painters have declared the use of violet in the world unacceptable.

In government lobbying circles, politicians and corporate executives have unanimously decided to replace the traditional greeting of the handshake with the less formal asskiss.

The U.S. government has declared debt-free citizenry unpatriotic.

The Supreme Court has ruled that incorrigible debtors are required to forfeit a pound of flesh for every dollar they owe until either the debts are paid or they die, whichever occurs first.

Oil companies have begun collecting petroleum simply by skimming it straight off the surface of the oceans of world.

The richest people on Earth gathered on Sunday to protest the existence of the poorest.

Medical insurance companies have successfully lobbied Congress to make disease prevention illegal.

Audiologists claim that deafness is the only effective defense against increasing noise pollution.

The Supreme Court ruled today that torture of any kind is perfectly legal for the sake of national security as long as it does not hurt too much.

Due to escalating energy costs, plummeting patronage, and lack of funding, librarians have resorted to burning their books to keep warm in winter.

The last tree on Earth was felled earlier this week and no one noticed.

Since the National Board of Christian Churches has declared that all previously considered acts of God are actually acts of the devil, the Deity's actions being too mysterious to be known by mere mortals,
all condemned prisoners who survive executions should henceforth be re-executed until it works.

In a noble intention to introduce humanity into criminal executions, the National Prison System instituted a policy of kill and revive as a punishment for lesser capital offenders.

After a meeting with the head of the Environmental Protection Agency, the president expressed agreement with their plan to allow smog to blanket U.S. cities to obscure targets from aerial terrorist attacks.

Stores across the country are selling huge debris blowers for people to blow unwanted people into the gutters.

Automobile manufacturers are reveling in the discovery that human feces make excellent fuel for internal combustion engines.  Since most people are full of shit anyway, the supply should be limitless.

A Lucre City Transit System spokesperson announced that due to the increasing population, decreasing funding, and the shortage of public transport vehicles, passengers will have to sit on each other's laps
to make room for those standing in the aisle.

Because of the increasing acceptance of perversion in the USA, Christian leaders are revising the Bible to describe Sodom and Gomorrah not destroyed as previously stated but discovered completely intact
and available as a tourist attraction.

A couple in the town of Haze, California, were admonished by the town council for trying to recycle their children.  The waste control company operating in that city advised them
that discarded kids are to be composted not recycled.

The mayor of Pale Blossom, Mississippi, initiated a policy of controlled burning of poor neighborhoods to prevent wildfires that could threaten more respectable sections of the town.

The US Secretary of Labor visited China this week to study the productivity of indentured servitude.

Right wing political activists across the nation are pressing local governments to make left turns on roadways illegal.

Artists worldwide have decided not to create without good reason.

According to reliable religious sources, for the first time in human history convincing evidence exists of God answering prayers.  However, the heavenly response seems directed only to the rich.

A Michigan man claims he smokes fewer cigarettes since he started sucking on the exhaust pipe of his car.

Grocery shoppers find green fruit painted to appear ripe absolutely delicious.

Scientists for the Organization of Narrow Thinking postulate that global warming is a good event, because it raises all boats.

People who fish are pleased with oil spills because their catch comes already greased for the frying pan.

An Atlanta woman suffered an extremely uncomfortable experience when she passed a surgical clamp left in her body after rectal surgery.  When she returned it the hospital,
the operating physician thanked her and asked if she had also found his watch.

A Hollywood man designed a new clothing style for men with enhanced penises.  He says the three-legged pants are selling briskly.

Studies show that people who drench themselves in scent suffer as few sexual attacks as those who seldom bathe.

After a New Jersey inventor created a fabric that makes one appear invisible, the city council started including the new clothes in care packages for the penniless and homeless.

In a fast-growing trend, people are injecting caffeinated beverages straight into their veins.

A southern California jogger ran it into the ground.

Talkative individuals are making a lot of money selling their hot air to power companies.

Doughnut eaters worldwide want doughnut holes returned to doughnuts.

People are up in arms about the spillage of oil from tankers into coastal seawater, complaining that it means much less fuel for their personal vehicles.

When sick people were asked why they cough and spit in public and blow their noses onto sidewalks, they answered by saying that if they had to be ill, so should everyone else.

Participants in "canned hunts" feel more accomplished when shooting humans convicted of capital crimes than when killing other captive animals.

Studies show that when plants and factories emit red, white, and blue particles, people ignore the air pollution.

The rich openly state their firm belief that God looks like them.

Charismatic Uncle Hugo is attracting a massive following to his message that everyone should stomp on everyone else to get what everyone wants in life.

A Harvard professor, who recently published a complete history of beneficial human achievement, expects sales of the two-page pamphlet to be brisk.

More and more people are finding their cranial orifices clogged with either sand or shit.

Thousands of elderly blue-haired women in southern California marched in the streets last Sunday to protest the rain.

Hummer vehicle sales have exploded since dealerships have been offering as an accessory 50 caliber machine guns mounted on the roofs.

Malls and department stores across America are requiring people who climb escalators to stand still like most others to allow all the fat and lazy persons equal chances to reach the bargains.

Los Angeles residents are demanding the city eliminate birds from their neighborhoods, complaining that they cannot sleep through the early morning songs.

A scientist working for the American Society of Professional Fishermen claims that studies show mercury in fish is actually good for people, because it helps them keep track of their body temperatures.

With an increasing number of perverts in Congress, legislators are passing laws to protect the rights of not only sodomists but also bestialists and pedophiles.  Feeling spurned,
rapists have inundated the capital with complaints.

In a bold move for marketing, public transit companies are demanding that passengers show proof of purchase of at least one of the products advertised on the vehicles before boarding.

Fast food restaurants have begun offering slow food in keeping with their growing patronage.

Increasingly, U.S. corporations are reviving elderly employees who suffer heart attacks or strokes on the job.  The CEOs want as much work out of them as possible before calling an ambulance.

The rich and famous are demanding that avarice and pride be removed from the list of seven deadly sins.

Human consumption has reached an all time width.

As a sign of the success of contemporary plastic surgery, more and more people are choosing to have their heads replaced.

To save money on increasingly expensive tattooing, people are punching themselves all over their bodies to make temporary tattoos since the real ones eventually look like bruises anyway.

Scientific studies show that the human mouth is actually not connected to the brain but the rectum.  The scientists admit it is not quite as elegant an organ but certainly capable of conveying a lot more shit.

Surgeons are returning to school to learn how to remove people's head that are stuck up their asses.

Yesterday, a team of international geologists reported that all the oil in the Middle East had sunken into the middle of Earth and vaporized in the heat of the core.  Today the United States of America
is withdrawing all military forces and industrial contractors from the region.  The US president announced earlier that it was time those countries fended for themselves.

A hospital in Arizona released scores of patients on their own recognizance, because despite their serious illnesses and injuries they were all making a healthless recovery.

Millions of people across the country came out to admit they are openly heterosexual.

Dictionary of Damnation
Aborigine: The first human to inhabit a land but judged by invading humans as having no right to it in the first place.

Activist: One who demonstrates for change which one does not really want.

Alien: Anyone from a group different from that of anyone else.

Anarchist: An idealist who forgets the experience of an unsupervised playground.

Anarchy: An imaginary state free of government and wisdom.

Aristocracy: A group of people that has convinced common people they are superior to them but secretly doubt it.

Atheist: One who believes in god as profanity.

Belt: An artificial sphincter used to keep the pants and belly from slipping to the knees.

Capitalism: An economic system established for a few to take as much as possible from the rest of us.

Chaos: The beginning and the end.

City: A cemetery of living humans.

Clock: A mechanism to remind one of time wasted and how little is left.

Commerce: The sport of the capitalist.

Commonwealth: A communistic euphemism meaninglessly attached to nations.

Corporation: An institution pretending to benefit many while enriching few.

Courtesy: A subtle form of persuasion.

Cupid: The god of carnal desire mistaken for love.

Debt: A financial condition held by ten percent of the population against ninety percent that is sought, approved, and accepted for their mutual avarice.

Democracy: A political system in which people entrust themselves with responsibilities beyond their abilities.

Devil: Personification of all the evils of humanity.

Dog: The only animal crazy enough to devote itself to humans.

Duty: The function that others believe we have a responsibility to perform.

Electorate: The citizenry in a democratic society that chooses political leaders on the basis of popularity with little regard for qualifications.

Equality: A noble ideal whereby people think they are as good as everyone else even though they really believe they are superior.

Evil: Deviltry's middle name.

Faith: Belief in the possibility of the usually impossible.

Fame: Illumination by the flame of fashion.

Finance: The craft of obtaining wealth from as many people as possible.

Folly: The most traveled path in human history.

Fool: The most frequent traveler on the path of folly.

Freedom: A fantasy of unrestrained existence of which one person wants more while others have less.

Friendless: Quality of knowing the value of other people.

Fun: A youthful experience pretended with age.

Future: The most commonly known unknown period of all time.

Ghost: The specter of guilt.

Glutton: Any animal with too much food and too little foresight.

God: The most famous creation of humanity.

Government: Rule by, of, and for the rich and powerful.

Grammar: An arbitrary rule of language necessitated by human miscommunication.

History: Remembering events best forgotten and forgetting events best remembered.

Human: A species of animal that considers itself superior to all other living things on the planet regardless of its stupidity.

Humane: A fanciful description of undiscovered goodness in humanity.

Humanity: The common collective name for the most destructive species on Earth.

Iconoclast: One deluded into thinking the delusions of others can be destroyed.

Imagination: A quality of the human mind that can trigger art, lunacy, or both.

Immortality: A theory of particle persistence erroneously applied to the notion of a human soul.

Infancy: The period of life in humans when fancy has not yet invaded the mind enough to corrupt the soul.

Injustice: A constant of the universe.

Inhuman: The most notable quality of homo sapiens.

Insurance: A legalized protection racket.

Insurrection: An uprising against injustice usually culminating in violence and resulting in more injustice.

Justice: The greatest of human fantasies.

Kindness: An attitude offered to prove the goodness of oneself and gain the approval of others.

King: A potentate by birth no more or less beneficent than one by tyrannical power or electoral politics.

Land: Terrain on Earth occupied by one or more species until more powerful species invade it.

Laughter: A peculiarly human expression of emotion that may effectively prevent another peculiarly human condition—insanity.

Law: A regulatory system to benefit and protect the rich and powerful.

Life: A brief adventure from oblivion.

Love: 1. Imaginary good will among people.  2. A brief psychosis facilitating human reproduction.

Merchant: A practitioner of profit over product.

Mercy: Guilt masquerading as compassion.

Mob: A collection of persons violently disapproving of anyone not in their midst.

Money: The currency of greed.

Morality: Behavior determined as right or wrong depending on its usefulness.

Mouth: A trapdoor best kept shut.

Noise: The fanfare of civilization.

Oblivion: The place whence we came and will thankfully return.

Normal: State of being perceived by most persons as acceptable regardless of quality, ethics, or morality.

Opportunity: The chance to make a choice to change life, often missed or mistaken.

Opposition: A fundamental attitude of humanity toward all things.

Optimism: A type of color blindness tending toward the high end of the spectrum.

Orator: One who speaks well of promises as if done deeds.

Orthodox: A standard for the preservation of old bones.

Pain: A natural response to a threat of injury, often occurring too late.

Patriotism: A disease like pestilence and plaque serving to reduce the human population.

Peace: The eye of the hurricane.

Pedestrian: A subspecies of human in motion.

People: The classically collective name by which humans like to refer to themselves to feel separate and superior to other animals.  Synonyms: mob, masses.

Pessimism: Accurate fortune-telling.

Philanthropist: A rich person who, having sold his soul, tries to buy it back before dying.

Philosophy: A study in the reassurance of futility.

Pulse: The true unit of time.

Plan: A preparation for success usually resulting in disappointment or failure.

Pleasure: A temporary state of mind conjuring notions of heaven.

Plow: An instrument of peace often reshaped into an instrument of war.

Plutocracy: A political system designed by the capitalist, of the capitalist, and for the capitalist.

Police: A legal organization of enforcement devised primarily to protect the rich and powerful.

Politician: An honored leader of a nation who through wealth, connections, and deception gains a lifetime of security.

Popularity: A much sought condition wherein a person is showered with the adulation and affection of the masses despite little worth.

Prayer: Wishful thinking.

Prehistoric: The period of innocence prior to the human era.

Present: The essential moment of opportunity between the hope of the future and regret of the past.

President: The animated figurehead on the bow of the pirate ship of state.

Primate: A species, one member of which is the only known outlaw on Earth.

Prison: A place to lock away the evidence of the failure of human civilization.

Property: A commodity differentiating the wealthy from the poor.

Prophecy: The projection of human arrogance into the future.

Rash: The description of a disease afflicting at least half of all newlyweds.

Religion: Delusion.

Republic: A government supposedly of, by, and for the people until the next despotism occurs.

Reunion: A gathering of former acquaintances to establish a pecking order and to renew reasons for not communicating for so long.

Revenge: Uncivilized law that inevitably leads to extinction.

Romance: A fantastic experience enjoyed by the mind of a person intoxicated by the drug of being in love.

Rubbish: The most abundant product of humanity.

Rumor: Supposedly biographical information more readily believed if untrue.

Today: The briefest period of definite life most often taken for granted.

Tomorrow: An unknown period presumed to be known.

Truthful: A quality natural and needless to nonhuman animals.

Ugliness: Natural birth control.

Vanity: The totality of human existence.

War: Pride and greed to extreme.

Water: The quaff of life.

Wedding: A ceremony celebrating a brief period of mutual joy in sexuality, materialism, and reproduction before the gradual endgame of enmity.

Woman: A creature made from the rib of man by God who in the process tore out his heart.

Yesterday: Where today is sadly going.




Portal